And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. -Luke 18:1

Today is Micaiah’s 8 month birthday. Eight months ago today we met our sweet son. I think about him often and still miss him so so much. It’s hard to believe it’s been 8 months now. It’s also hard to keep walking with this emptiness and deep longing for children.

Yesterday I woke up and was pretty down about where we are with children. I was not doing very good and I didn’t have a very good attitude. Later that morning Jordan and I read through Luke 18 and I felt like God was speaking directly into my pain and frustration. I felt like I was losing heart, I was struggling and just tired of everything. I was tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of longing and tired of wondering when this season would be over.

This parable is about a widow who keeps asking for justice. The judge is not a righteous man and does not even fear God, but because she kept coming and asking he gave in and granted her justice. She was persistent and didn’t give up. If this unrighteous man gave this widow justice, how much more will our righteous Father give to us, His children. We have confidence to come to him and to keep coming to him in prayer. I’m encouraged to keep coming to him with my desire for children knowing that He is a righteous judge and a loving Father. This is the truth I have to remember on those days when I feel I’m losing heart.

May we press on in prayer and seek to be like this widow who didn’t give up and kept on asking. He is a good Father and is able to do far more than we could ever ask or imagine.

Micaiah on a blanket his great-grandma made him.

Our sweet little boy’s feet. His aunt Courtney gave him this blanket

Our desire for children still grew and about a year later we were pregnant with our first, Camden. Soon after finding out we were expecting we began miscarrying. This only increased our desires for some babies, but we didn’t seriously consider starting the adoption process until after we had Micaiah. By then it had been close to two years since our first pregnancy and we were really ready to have some children in our home! We knew that we had a long road ahead of us with healing and processing everything we had been through with Micaiah. We also knew that adoption could take up to 2 years so we decided to go ahead and get the process going. We sent in our original application on Micaiah’s 3 month birthday, December 8, 2012.

I want Him to really come and show me what it’s like to be fathered in all His goodness and perfection. I want to be free to really receive all that He is as my Father. My own appetites and desires are a hinderance to truly experiencing His satisfying Fathership in my life. I’m so tired of trying to find satisfaction in the things of this world. I long to be free from these things that weigh me down and to really enter into the joy of being Fathered by my creator and savior.

For so long I’ve sought after control, approval, perfection and satisfaction apart from Him. I know it’s useless but I still do it. I don’t like waiting on Him to give me what I think I need. And I don’t always like getting what He knows I need. Sometimes I don’t like His best for me because sometimes its just real hard and painful. I can’t see the fullness of His plan or how it all works out for good. I just see what is in front of me and that’s not always most enjoyable.

But it is a joy when I stop looking to the things of this world to fill me up and instead look to Him. I want to do this more. Jesus did this perfectly. He walked through this life with all of its temptations and empty promises and kept His eyes on the one who truly satisfies. He trusted His Father in times of great testing and He endured. He was victorious over the enemy and chose to trust and obey His Father instead of giving in to the appetites of the flesh.

Would love your prayers as He continues to work in my life. Pray that my heart would be open and free to receive His great love and perfect care for me as my Father. I know He is good and I long to be satisfied in Him. I long to know Him more and what is really means to have Him as my Father. And pray for patience and contentment in this time of waiting to see how He will satisfy our desires for children here on earth.

Our agency will have a couple people out to see us next Tuesday and Wednesday. Please be praying for them as they travel and for energy and good health. We are thankful that we can actually get a home study done in India!

Thanks to all of you who have helped us to get our paperwork done. We appreciate you being apart of bringing baby Tardy home

Love you guys and will keep you posted on how it all goes.

In honor of Micaiah’s 6 month birthday, I’d like to share some of the things he has taught me and ways that he has change my life.

Micaiah has taught me to love Jesus more. Jesus gave me Micaiah and Jesus has made a way for us to be together again. I’m so thankful for the gift of my son and for the work of Jesus to make a way for both me and Micaiah to live for all eternity in His presence. And I love Jesus because of how He has comforted, provided and cared for us in this season. He has been so faithful.

Micaiah has made me less afraid of death. Jesus has surely defeated death and has taken away the sting of it. Before I knew and believed that there was no reason to fear death but loosing Micaiah has made that more real for me. I’m less afraid to breathe my last…Micaiah has made me more ready for that day. I have more to look forward to in leaving this world and that makes me less afraid of it.

Micaiah is teaching me to be a better mom. I’ll never be a perfect mom but I do think that I will be a better mom now that I have had Micaiah. God is refining me through this process and freeing me to love my children in ways that honor Him more.

Micaiah is teaching me that God’s love is constant no matter what my circumstances are. Whether I am walking through difficulty or ease, His love is sure and always the same.

Micaiah has brought me and Jordan closer. We are better friends than we were before, have a stronger marriage and are both more confident in who we are as a couple and as individuals. I’m really thankful for all that God has done in our marriage through this little guy.

Micaiah has given me a greater appreciation for the cross. Without the cross I would not be able to join my son at the feet of Jesus. I’m really looking forward to the day when Micaiah, Jordan, and I will worship Jesus side by side.

Micaiah has taught me that it’s ok to wrestle with God. At times I have felt like Jacob, who wrestled with God until He blessed him. I don’t think I’ve ever been more honest and real with God than I have in the past year. In pouring out my heart to Him, God has been so gracious to speak truth to me and to calm my heart. He has blessed me in my wrestling and continues take me deeper in knowing and loving Him.

Micaiah has made me a better daughter…not of my earthy parents but of my Heavenly Father. God is doing some painful work in my life but I believe it is fruitful work that will continue to strengthen my faith and bring Him glory. I am His child and I am thankful that I can trust my Father as He moves and works in my life.

There have been so many things we’ve learned in this difficult season and I know there will be many more lessons that Micaiah will teach us. These are just a few. Even though it seems backwards, God is using the life of our son to teach us. I’m so thankful for Micaiah. He is a good teacher and a dang cute little boy

Happy birthday sweet boy. I love you.

Just after he arrived!

From the day I dressed Micaiah.

I want to trust Him. Piper has said that the greatest danger is not trusting God. The enemy would love it if I didn’t trust God. I don’t want to walk in unbelief. A common prayer of mine is “I believe, help my unbelief.” I believe, but sometimes I have a real hard time believing. I’m thankful for the grace He gives us when we are weak and struggling. I’m thankful that He responds to faith even if it’s only as small as a mustard seed.

I want to trust Him when I don’t understand His ways. I want to trust Him when I’m scared and struggling. I want to trust Him when I miss my son. I want to trust Him with our future. I want to trust Him to continue the work that He has begun in me. I want to trust Him with having more children.

But trusting is not easy. It’s a battle at times. Im so glad that He remembers we are but dust. He knows we are weak and that we need Him. I would love your prayers for me in trusting Him. He is an everlasting rock and I want to rest in Him.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he TRUSTS in you. TRUST in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26:3-4

A friend encouraged us with Jeremiah 32 after we had shared the news of this new journey we are on. It really resonated with me as I considered this difficult season we have been in and looked to restoration ahead. In this passage the people of God are about to be attacked and taken captive because of their sin against the Lord. But just before the siege, God tells Jeremiah to go and buy land. Even though the city will be destroyed, Jeremiah is to purchase land in faith, as a sign that God will again restore the land and make it a place for His people. Restoration was coming, but not before a time of trial.

We have been walking through a time of trial and are by no means fully healed or restored, but we know that He is working to do just that. In this time we are looking ahead to restoration. And, in a similar way, we are purchasing land – by starting the adoption process. We are so excited to be adopting and see this little one as a sign to us of His restoration. We are not putting our hope in children but we are believing that He wants to restore and we see adoption as part of His plan to do just that.

Jordan and I sent in our initial application on Micaiah’s 3 month birthday (December 8th). We are currently working on getting paperwork finished so we can get our home study done. Once we are approved it will take anywhere from 12-18 months until we have our baby. We have chosen to adopt from Ethiopia and are hoping to get a child under the age of 1.

We are excited to share this news with you and will keep you updated along the way. I am looking forward to seeing how He knits our family together. I know that He already has a baby picked out for us and I can’t wait to bring him or her into our home. Please be praying for His favor in this process and for us to quickly bring home our little one. We can’t wait!!!!!

Who is like the Lord our God?

“Praise the LORD! Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD! Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore! From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the LORD is to be praise! The LORD is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes, with the princes of his people. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!”

Two different people have sent us Psalm 113:9 as a promise to claim over our lives. Jordan’s aunt Betsy sent it to me and a mentor of ours sent it to jordan…pretty much around the same time. The other day I spent some time reading it and really felt blessed by the Lord from this passage.

First of all the title of the passage is “Who is like the Lord our God?” I was shocked that this was the title of the passage because that is basically what Micaiah’s name means. I felt even more like this passage was for me.

The reference to the rising sun is like that in Lamentations 3, which is the passage we read at Micaiah’s service. It is a hopeful reminder to me of His mercies that are new every morning.

The nations are mentioned here. I know that He has a purpose for us being in India. And I know that He will use all that we are going through to be a blessing to families here. He will be praised among the nations and we hope to see new praise spring up here in India.

Raising the poor from the dust and the needy from ashes resonates with me as well. I long for Him to raise me up out of these ashes. He is raising me up but it’s not a quick and easy process. Jordan and I are both ready for restoration and we are hoping that it will come soon.

And lastly there is the reference to making the barren woman the joyful mother of children. I’m not barren but I have lost 3 children. There is an emptiness in me like that of the barren woman. I’m looking forward to the day when I’m overwhelmed with joy because my house is full of children – even if they are all crazy like their daddy

So I’m waiting to see how He moves. I’m hopeful…but at times it is a struggle to have hope. He is good and is strong and I’m thankful I can fall on Him when I’m weak. There truly is no one like our God. I’m so thankful to be His.

A little over a week ago we started miscarrying our third baby.

Jordan and I found out we were pregnant again on December 20th. It was hard for us to believe. Jordan usually has a hard time believing home pregnancy tests, so he took me to get my blood work done and we found out that we were expecting!

We waited until Christmas Eve to tell our families. They were happy and excited for us. It was a nice early Christmas gift.

I was nervous about telling them because of fear of having a miscarriage. We had our first miscarriage back in May of 2011. About nine months later we got pregnant with Micaiah. A little over 3 months after his birth and death we found out we were expecting again. I really thought this one was going to be it…that we were finally going to have a baby to raise and enjoy here. We now know that God has a different plan. And it is definitely a plan that has been a struggle to accept.

The day we found out about this baby my friend sent me a verse from the book of Job. Chapter 42 verse 2 says, “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” This is a bittersweet truth for me. I know He can give us healthy children through pregnancy but that hasn’t been His purpose in our pregnancies. But He is in control and is carrying out His good plans and good purposes for us.

This has been a trying season. One of suffering and loss and pain. God is refining us and it is not an easy process. But we know He is a good Father and that He never leaves or forsakes us…even when we don’t understand and are struggling to trust Him.

I want my heart to be like Job, who after learning of the loss of his children and fortune blessed God. He praised God saying, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord (my paraphrase).” Please pray that we would trust God like Job did and worship Him in this time. Pray for our hearts to rest in Him and seek Him in this difficult time. Only He can heal our hearts. Please pray for us to walk through all this in a way that honors Him. Pray that we would have faith and not give up. And please pray that He would soon give us the blessing of being pregnant and having another baby. We know that He is more than able.

Here are some points to remember and truths to fill my mind with:

• The storm is good because it reveals our lack of faith
• Jesus is the sender of the storm and is good for sending it to us because it reveals our lack of faith
• Without the storm our faith wouldn’t be strengthened
• We can trust Him to use storms for our good and to strengthen our faith
• Jesus has power to calm our storms
• Jesus is powerful and we can trust Him
• It is good to cry out to Jesus in the storm even if all you can cry out is “Jesus do you care?

Storm, trial, wrestling, darkness, pain, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, depressed, longing, waiting, missing, alone, and desperate. This is what my life has felt like at various times over the past couple years. Whether it’s been related to India, pregnancy, my children, family, community or my marriage, I’ve felt these feelings and emotions.  They’ve stuck around for quite a while.

Peace, joy, laughter, hope, a righteous anger, passion, strength, love, rest, beauty, refreshment, healing, being held by His grace. - I’ve felt these emotions and feelings at the same time over the past couple years. Let’s just say my emotions have swung to both sides of the pendulum…and they continue to swing. I’ve experienced some intense emotions and most of the time it’s not just one emotion I’m feeling.

At times the waves have felt like they were crashing over my head and I was about to drown. Other times I’ve felt like I’m just resting in the sweet sun listening to the beautiful waves crash against the shore. But the one thing that is constant in this storm is God. He is in control of the storm and He is with me in the storm. As my emotions run to and fro, I can rest on a firm foundation of truth…the truths I wrote above.

“There is none like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help, through the skies in his majesty. The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deut 33:26-27

Underneath me holding me up are His everlasting arms. No matter how hard it gets He is with me. There is no way I could do this without Him. I’m so thankful that He holds me up. He doesn’t let me drown. I’m protected and I’m safe. There is no way I’m slipping out of His hands; I’m His daughter and He won’t let me go.

We had more than one person tell us we should terminate Micaiah’s life. I can get real angry just thinking about that. I can speak from experience that no matter what the diagnosis is, it is worth it to carry your unborn baby. Oh it is so so worth it, even if you just get a few minutes with them.

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad. I’m writing this because I want people to know that it is very worth it to carry your child no matter what the outcome may be. I’ve struggled with guilt because I remember thinking that it would be easier to just end the pregnancy. I wanted relief from the pain I felt. But ending his life would not bring the relief I was wanting.

Carrying Micaiah was difficult, not because it was hard being pregnant, it was difficult because it was hard to bear the thought of him not making it. How could God do this? How could I do this? Oh I begged and prayed that God would do a miracle and give Micaiah kidneys. I did not want to lose my son. But we did lose him.

We lost our son but I got to see his face. I got to see his sweet face. I got to hold him and kiss him and love him. I got to help give him a bath, I got to dress him, I got to see my husband hold him and I got to see my family hold him. The time we had with Micaiah is priceless. The joy of meeting him far outweighs the pain of carrying him. And we are told that these light and momentary afflictions are preparing for us an eternal weight of glory. This affliction doesn’t seem very light at times. But I do know it will be worth it. I know that the glory Paul is talking about is mainly related to when we get to be in the presence of our King and Savior but I do think that part of this “eternal weight of glory” involves seeing my son’s face again. When we look back on our lives this suffering will seem light compared to the glory of seeing and knowing Jesus in His fullness. I’m looking forward to that glorious day…to the day when I can stand by my son and together enjoy seeing our Father’s sweet face.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

“For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us and eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”