Our Lives, His Story

Desperate

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place like this before in life. I’ve never been so desperate in so many different areas. In marriage…in wanting to start a family…in my relationship with God…in my calling. But in the midst of this valley there are many things to be thankful for. We are gaining supporters and have been really blessed by His provision for us. We’ve had about half of the expenses for Micaiah covered by friends and family. We are both healthy and have a wonderful place to live right now. We have access to great food and great coffee (we are food and coffee people). We have lots of people that care for us, love us, and cook meals for us. We have free counseling at our church that has been so helpful in this time. There are some really good things going on- things to be thankful for and to rejoice in.

But I’ve really been brought to a place of desperation…to a place where the Lord has to move. He has to move because I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I keep trying to do it on my own but it’s not working. God has brought me to a place of greater dependence on Him. I’m much more aware of my inability to do things on my own now. I can’t make myself more patient and gracious with jordan. I can’t heal my heart or give myself faith. I can’t make us get pregnant again or bring back Micaiah. I can’t change the fact that we are moving back to India. I’ve never felt so desperate for Him in so many different ways. The week we found out about Micaiah’s condition I felt a real shift in my dependence on the Lord. And since then the reality of my need has only deepened. He is taking me to a new place of relying on Him. It is hard but I’m sure it will be worth it. I’ve said that I wouldn’t wish that anyone would have to go through what we have been through but in some way that is not true. We have known our Savior in so many new ways…in deeper and richer ways. And honestly I would wish that on everyone. To know God in and through suffering is a rich blessing and I do hope (in a loving and non-lighthearted kind of way) that you get to experience and know Him in that way. I’m saying all this not from the other side of suffering but from being in the middle of it. I’m still in the middle of it and it is real hard. I’m not saying this lightly. I’m struggling and having a difficult time but I have hope because of Jesus and I want you to know that hope too. And a funny thing is…I’m not just saying this for you, I’m saying it for myself too. I need to hear this and I need to remember that my hope is in Jesus. This is the truth I have to hold on to when those dark and hard moments come. And oh do they come…

I feel like I have a long way to go before I’m actually doing what I want to do as far as calling. And that just sucks right now. I’m in a place where I can hardly communicate, where I don’t fully understand anything, where I feel alone and where it is physically really challenging. I would love to use my passions to bless the people I’m around- whether that is here or India. I just want to be able to bless women and children- physically and spiritually. I want to be apart of seeing the unborn saved. I want to see women’s hearts changed, to see families’ hearts changed to where they too love the unborn and see them like Jesus sees them. I want to see people come into the Kingdom. I want to see people’s hearts and bodies healed. I want to be a part of the restoration of brokenness but right now I feel so broken and very limited in my ability to help. Of course my inability doesn’t matter to my King. He is without limits- He is an endless source and I am His daughter so I have access to that endlessness. But India feels like the 5000+ people who were hungry and were fed by 5 loaves and 2 fish. That was a lot of people to feed…an overwhelming task for any normal person…but Jesus isn’t any normal person. I feel overwhelmed (and I’ve heard that is a good thing…what we need to feel) and powerless to help or make a change there. I feel very limited in my ability to feed anyone (in the sense that it will make a difference) or lead them to the source of lasting joy and satisfaction. I know I can share and pray and that is good, but I know He has to be the one to change their hearts and open their eyes. There are millions of people and it feels like all I could ever do would be a drop in the ocean when it comes to India. Plus some days I’m not sure that I could do any more than just survive in India. Surviving is a task in itself but actually thriving there?? Now that seems like a long way off at times. How am I going to have anything to give in this brokenness and pain? I have to keep reminding myself that even though I am just a small fish in the hands of Jesus I am still in the hands of Jesus and He is more than able to multiply the effects of my little life and of Micaiah’s little life. I would love to see Jesus multiply our little efforts like He multiplied the fish and bread.

I want my son back. I want Micaiah. I know that will never happen but that doesn’t mean I don’t think it. I would love to meet his little brothers and sisters soon. I would love to adopt and bring home my son or daughter from afar. I would love to have a family. I do have a family…have to correct myself here… I do have a family and I do have a son and I am a mom and that will never change. Oh I’m so thankful for Micaiah. Just wish I could hold him again. There is an emptiness I feel and it is real. I will have it until the day I die. And that will be such a joyous day because that’s the day when I will hold him again. The emptiness is temporary but very real. My sister made a really good point. When I was pregnant with Micaiah we were all waiting for him. We didn’t know him- his personality or what he would look like…he was like an idea to us. And now that he has been born and is at home with the Lord it’s like I’m still pregnant with him. We still don’t really know him- don’t know his personality or what he looks like when he smiles, but we will one day. Yes, we will one day. So in a way I’m not the only one pregnant now…we are all pregnant- waiting to meet him again in heaven, waiting to see and know him and enjoy him for all eternity. I love Micaiah and I know it will be worth the wait to see him again…just like it was worth the wait the first time. And God will give us the grace to wait…

I can’t make myself be more like Jesus. In God’s wisdom and grace He is doing that in my life. Hebrews tells us it’s called discipline and that it’s also called love. Doesn’t always feel like love but that’s what His word says and I believe that. I have to believe that. When I don’t feel like His discipline is loving I have to believe His word that says He disciplines those He loves. I am His child – He has adopted me and has lots of work to do in my life. And even though I don’t understand why He is doing what He is doing I have to trust Him – it’s really all I’ve got to hold on to. I have to believe what is true because the lies only leave me empty and hurting. His truth gives me hope. I know He is working in my life for my good and for His glory. I know He is my loving Father. Right now, I don’t understand His ways but I can and must trust His heart. He is good and will always be good. He is my Father and will always be my Father. He loves me and His love will never fail. His grace is sufficient and I must receive it today and every day because I am one weak girl. I’m glad He doesn’t need me to be strong and do this all on my own. I know there is plenty of room for Him to be glorified in my life because there is plenty of weakness in me. “But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Marriage is a blessing. I’m so thankful for jordan and the husband he is to me. I think God knew what He was doing when He gave me a really goofy husband who makes me laugh. He knew I would need someone to make me laugh in this hard time and jordan has definitely done that. Jordan and I have not had a really hard marriage. Sure, we have our issues but I know it could have been a lot harder. I believe our marriage has never been as stressed as it has been this past year or so. Marriage is hard because you and your spouse are two different people. Jordan is not like me and does not feel what I feel. He reacts differently to things and thinks differently than I do. Needless to say he also grieves differently than I do. We have had some hard things come to surface in our marriage recently. Hard things that take working through and giving each other lots of grace. God is really bringing us to a point of desperation in multiple areas and that includes our marriage. He is the only one who will be able to get us through this. We will come out stronger and more in love with each other because of His grace and work in our lives…not because we in ourselves are anything great. Marriage is wonderful and I’m so thankful for it and I’m thankful for a faithful God who will give us the grace to walk with each other in this trying time.

Being desperate is a bittersweet place to be. I’m sure many of you can relate. May we keep fighting to trust Him who is caring for and protecting us in the valley…who sees the fruit of walking through it and who even walks with us in it.

6 Comments
  1. hah! Lauren I just finished post about my struggle here in India. Desperate is such a hard place to be. But you are right it makes me know him in a way that I would never have, And yes, if you fight through this test in your marriage it will be stronger and richer and much more of a gift to you than before. Thanks for sharing your raw pain and deep hope. Maybe the song that I shared onmy blog will comfort you too… love you.

  2. Lauren, I was so very glad to see you had posted. You and Jordan have been on my heart with a strong intensity that past few days and I was praying for you, yet unsure as to how to pray. I just continued to pray according to our visit and sharing.

    Once again, you have blown me away with you honest and deep sharing, your vulnerability , your openness to share your pain, struggles, and struggling hope! You inspire me and teach me and encourage me to pray and seek him even more.

    I continue to hurt for you, yet I also hope with great expectancy in the LORD!! I don’t have expectations for your future, I have found that ” great expectations” can lead to ” great disappointments”. Instead, I hope with a ” great expectancy ” of what our MIghty God is doing and and will continue to do in your life. I know that we don’t always feel like He is there or feel like we can see his work. However, OUR GOD is FAITHFUL, HE is SOVEREIGN , HE is STRONG, He is GOOD, He is LOVING, HE is COMPASSIONATE, He is our HEALER, OUR HOPE, OUR FORTRESS, OUR COMFORT, OUR ALL!! Our flesh and the enemy want to convince us that we are alone and abandoned. But that is a lie. God’s word tells us that He NEVER leaves us or forsakes us!! I encourage you to not look around, inside, down, or past. Look UP!! Each and every day, LOOK UP!! Don’t try to figure out how to fix things, just concentrate on looking up , seeking God, and truly knowing HIM!! Your Lord is everything you need at all times. Let go and let HIM carry you, sustain you, strengthen you, and fill you !! He made you and He alone knows you completely and knows your deepest fears, needs, yearnings. Give them all to HIM with reckless abandon!! Then wait to rejoice in his HUGE blessings and Goodness!!

    I am praying for you and Jordan. I know there are a lot of verses that follow, but they are some of my favorite and that God has used in my life. I am praying them for you and Jordan. I look forward to hearing of all the amazing things that He is doing in your life . May God’s comfort, peace, compassion, joy, hope, and strength overflow you and surround you and hold you . Thank you precious Jesus for what you are doing and will continue to do!! YOUR GLORY!!

    Love you and Jordan dearly. ( I hope we can visit again before you leave :-)

    Vickie

    Romans 15:13 ESV /
    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope

    Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

    Psalm 27:4-5 One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.

    Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

    Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

    Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

    Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

    2 Timothy 4:17 But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion’s mouth.

    Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

    Matthew 17:20 He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

    Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

    John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

    Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

    Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

    2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

    2 Timothy 1:7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

    2 great quotes:

    “Those who serve God must serve Him in His own way, and in His strength, or He will never accept their service. That which man doth, unaided by divine strength, God can never own. The mere fruits of the earth He casteth away; He will only reap that corn, the seed of which was sown from heaven, watered by grace, and ripened by the sun of divine love. God will empty out all that thou hast before He will put His own into thee; He will first clean out thy granaries before He will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs. God will have no strength used in His battles but the strength which He Himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage, for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up.” – Charles Spurgeon

    D.L. Moody once said that “If you partner with God, Make your plans big!” I encourage you today to make God your partner. Whatever your burden is that caused you to search for strength, give it up to him now. Do not let another minute go by without completely surrendering your burdens to Him. God wants to be your strength. Surrender to Him in your weakness and let Him show Himself strong. Remember if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!

  3. So hard to be a mom with no living children–I will pray that this stage of motherhood is short for you. And I think losing a child takes away (most? all?) fear of death. Someday we will be where they are. Hugs from someone who is on the “other side” of the deep sorrow. The pain, the loss, never goes away, but it does get easier to live with.

    • Thanks for your prayers Emily…know you understand what we are walking through. Loved your comment. Really connect with that. Appreciate you posting.

  4. Thank you for your words; what a painfully beautiful and desperate for Christ place they are coming from-which makes them so valuable because what you’re saying is not coming from a theory or just head knowledge but rather from experience and heart. Love you, praying for you, and thanking God for the blessing you are to me, faraway friend! Love from Massachusetts :)